Do you remember that scene in Contact, where it turns out the first broadcast aliens received from Earth was of Adolph Hitler? Well, Australia’s COSMOS Magazine has decided to lower Earth’s galactic credibility even further by beaming a bunch of text messages at some aliens they hope might exist and be listening. They’ve even somehow roped NASA into the deal.
It’s not like this is the first time NASA has gone out of its way to send messages to possibly non-existent (and possibly hostile) aliens. The Pioneer 10 and Pioneer 11 probes are both carrying aluminum plaques that not only show aliens how to get here, but also that we’re really into porn.Voyagers 1 and 2 carry the famous golden records, as well as instructions and equipment for playing them back. The records have greetings in many different languages, nature sounds, and over 115 images. New Frontier News was unable to find out if those were also porn.
On August 23, 2009, NASA’s Tidbinbilla radio telescope will send a really, really, really long text message to Gliese 581d, a rocky “Super-Earth” orbiting a dim red dwarf star roughly 20.3 light years away. Of all the planets discovered outside our solar system so far, Gliese 581d has the best chance of having liquid water, and thus life.
The Examiner ran a story on this that you can read here. Please note that the author of the story is Tima Vlasto, the Examiner’s NY Holistic Body & Spirit Examiner. We have no idea why the Examiner would assign someone who is essentially a reporter on delusional garbage to cover a science story. We can only assume that the assignment came about like this:
Examiner Editor-in-Chief: I need someone to cover this plan to send text messages to Gliese 851d. Where are all the science reporters?
Section Editor: They’re all covering stories of great importance, such as Japanese Space Underpants and that rock the Mars Rover found.
Examiner Editor-in-Chief: But it’s August and this story fits the definition of Silly Season. What do we do?
Section Editor: Why not assign the exact opposite of a science writer?
Examiner Editor-in-Chief: That’s so crazy it just might work. Tima! Get your woo-loving, crystal-smoking, astrology-believing butt in here! I’ve got an assignment that only you can handle!
COSMOS magazine has set up a site called Hello From Earth to gather the text messages. So far there are more than 19,000 of them. The messages can be broken down into four main categories.
1. Messages of Peace
You know how idiots like to mouth empty platitudes about goodwill and living in harmony with their fellow men, while at the same time continuing to drive armor plated SUVs to the mall so they can buy shoddy consumer goods made by slave labor? Well, this dreck is about to be exported to other star systems.
“Hello thr, Be happy and safe with ur family and may god bless you all. If you have plans of coming to earth, Do visit my house. You people are always welcome.”
“This message will go into the cosmic void . . . and will hopefully find our galactic brothers and sisters in peace.”
“We are a planet of many yet alone in our solar system. We seek knowledge, ideas and friendship. We extend a welcome to you to be our friends.”
2. Human Hating
An awful lot of human beings seem to hate their own species. New Frontier News hasn’t checked into this, but we’re pretty sure it’s legal to hunt these people for sport.
“The Earth and all that lives on her is being destroyed by Humans. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, O alien civilization; you’re my only hope.”
“Dear Inhabitants, we need all the help you can offer to save us from problems of our own making. Please contact us for a full and frank discussion. Earth.”
“Apologies in advance for most of these messages. They are an example of our primitive humour.” – The messages intended to be humorous are easily the least stupid – Ed.
“Please come and save us from ourselves!”
3. Just Stupid
A lot of the messages are simply dumb.
“Hello to life out there in the cosmos.I believe you’re already here somewhere,observing.If you are,could you kindly leave us a pretty crop circle in Australia?”
“hi, For God saved the world he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. God loves you.Peace!”
“Don’t know if you’ll get this message, or if you are evolved enough to understand it… But if you do: Tanya was here!!!”
4. Women Looking to Get Laid
Finally, a surprising percentage of messages seem to be from women who want to hook up with aliens.
“Assimilate me! *hugs* xx”
“I am a red head ET please come and abduct me”
“Hey!!! Come party with us! by the time you get this ill be too old to party but ill have the beer bongs waiting!”
“Come to Sweden! We are the best girls! Inga.”
Click here to visit Hello from Earth and send a text message to our neighbors that may not exist. However, before you do, please note that experts believe there are only two possible outcomes to an advanced alien species receiving text messages from Earth:
Truly the universe is a harsh, unforgiving, and poorly drawn place.